Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that