5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
If a snake ate a cake
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!