“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
You Might Also Like
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating