definitely did not do anything wrong
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why count sheep when I can count my troubles
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”