I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit