“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”