Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
water it, i dare you
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
What the hell happened in there??
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
🤣🤣
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this