What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied