Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
You Might Also Like
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*