I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.