Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie