weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I was bored.