[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“We will wed,” I threatened
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off