He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Mornin. * use accordingly
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”