My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: