Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
sistine chapel
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok