I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
You Might Also Like
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner