[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.