Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.