Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Thursday Thought.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked