[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Finished stitching this today 😇
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
every. time.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?