haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
You Might Also Like
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
#MeanwhileInCanada
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.