*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
scrabbled eggs
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter