*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.