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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.