My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.