Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Watermelon Boss!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.