Same pineapple, same
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
That was easy.