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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*