Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
#CoronaOutbreak
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what