DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My beach vacation Google searches
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.