“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots