Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
OH. COME. ON.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.