If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.