Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You Might Also Like
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great