Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
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Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.