If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
good morning
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.