Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
mom had nothing to worry about
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back