Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
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3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.