Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
time machine? you mean a clock?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.