GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
my first dose meeting my second
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?