“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine