I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.