no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
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I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Jesus Christ lmao
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.