The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.