Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary