The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????