She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*