6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia