SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*